The Priest
by Maryland Rose
Summary: Julian tells Sasha what happened when once a priest was Embraced


The priest

The church was bathed in light from all the lighted candles.

Julian knelt on one of the middle pews, praying of the soul of one man who could not accept what he had become, and had become convinced of his own damnation until Julian had released him. Julian shook his head as he remembered it. The man had been foolish, set in his ways, too willing to believe what he was told. And yet he was a good man, a reverent man. He should not have been embraced at all.

His hand ran over the beads of the rosary as he repeated the prayers. He still heard Archon's voice challenging him, asking him that if the soul was already saved or damned, what was the point of saying prayers over them?

Yes...but what of Purgatory? he had asked Archon. Archon had answered that if he had the running of Purgatory he would not let one soul go until it was fit for Heaven, and prayers and other forms of bribery would not work.

His fingers found he next bead, and he started the next prayer. He thought of the man, of his foolishness and stubborness. How, in his belief in his own damnation he was ready to commit a damnable act...

"The sin of suicide is not to be counted against him in the Day of Judgement." That was what he had told Archon. Archon had theatrically rolled his eyes and asked himself why was he stuck with a Jesuit's pupil for a son.

That was unfair, because Archon had also gone to a Jesuit school, only much earlier than Julian did, and he had come to reject the doctrine, while appreciating the mental agility that was required to follow their subtle arguments.

o

There were steps coming toward him. Women's steps. "Sasha." he said without turning. "Please sit by me."

Sasha did so.

"You should cover your head when in Church. It is a sign of respect."

"A sign of submission, you mean. I have no desire to be submissive Christian woman."

"Please, for my sake."

"Julian, I am not a Spanish maiden of the last century who had a lot of male relatives with nothing better to do than worry about her chastity. You cannot make me into that. I told you before, who I sleep with is my business. It is bad enough putting up with Cameron's passes without having the Prince of the City keep watch over my bedroom."

"Does Cameron...?"

"He is interested. I am not. But he does not press that hard that I would have to do something about it."

Not that bad that she would put herself under his protection, that was what she meant. No one else could protect her against her own Primogen.

He sighed, put his rosary away, for he would have to resume his prayers after he was finished his discussion with Sasha, then sat next to her.

"Sasha, please, can we talk pleasantly with each other? Why do we have to fight like this?"

"Because you are a control freak and I do not want to be controlled."

"Sasha, you are the last of the children of my body..."

"Yes. I know that. Before you were embraced you had a child. And you abandoned your wife and child to follow Archon."

"I did not abandon them. It was forced on me."

"I thought that Archon did not embrace anyone who was unwilling."

"He did not. I was willing. The alternative was death. I had tuberculosis, consumption they called it then. I was coughing my lungs out and it was getting worse every day. I chose to stay, and to keep watch over my wife and my son, help them when I could. Archon never asked me to sever my ties to them, even though they had to believe me dead."

"All right. So I am the last of the children of your body. Does that follow that you can tell me how to lead my life? Don't forget, I am Brujah now."

"Yes. You are Brujah. And before you were Brujah you were stubborn and set on having your way. I could have never made a Ventrue out of you with your wild streak."

"Is it true that Ventrues' idea of fun is to look for people who wear white shoes after Labor Day and laugh at them?"

"Is that a Brujah joke? No, we do not do that. At least I do not. But there may be some Ventrues who think that that is the summum of wit. We have a light side and a dark side, as do all clans, and our dark side includes self-righteousness. I have to keep an eye on that on myself. That is why I come here, to remind myself of my own imperfections and be more tolerant of others people's."

"By the way, why are you here at all? I understand that you no longer practice your religion?"

"I cannot. If I did I would have to go to Confession, and might tell the priest what he should not hear. But I never left the Church. I still pray and I support some of it work. Not all of it. Archon taught me not to believe anything that the Church claims without testing it first. Still there is much in the Church that I can support with a clean conscience."

"Cameron says that you should have been a priest."

"I could not." Julian smiled. "I could have never kept the vow of chastity. And then Archon taught me too much to fully believe the doctrine. Some of the things that the Church teaches are plain wrong, and it would be death for me to believe them."

"Like the Church's position on birth control."

"I could handle a disagreement with that. But the Church teaches that we are damned just because we are Kindred, that we are beyond hope. If we believed that, then we would truly be. We are not damned, and I will not hear anyone saying that we are. The evil or good we do is our choice, as it has always been."

"I was told that."

"Who did tell you? Your sire? Eddie Fiori?"

"Eddie?" She snorted. "I do not think that Fiori cared two figs about damnation or salvation, his or anyone else. He had a business to run and he wanted a greater profit. No, it was someone else. Ernest Gray. He is Cameron's lieutenant now, but when he told me that he was a low level Brujah, trying to keep out of Eddie's way. Eddie had a way of enforcing obedience by cutting off the head of some Brujah who annoyed him every now and then, and Gray tried very hard not to be noticed by Eddie. He took pity on me, and taught me what it meant to be Kindred and Brujah, at least as he understood it."

"Do you have any problems with feeding?"

"No. They drilled me well. You know how strict the Brujah are about it. Eddie told me that if any deal he was pulling was disturbed because of a police investigation into a feeding of mine gone wrong he would have my head. And he would. Eddie was a killer, and Brujah were the most common victims."

"Yes. Predatory Kindred prey on other Kindred most often than not. We are a lot closer and the Masquerade does not enforce how we deal with each other, as it does how we deal with humans. And it easier to prey on Kindred of your own clan, because it is then an internal matter and the Prince needs not be involved. Since Eddie was Primogen, his word was law, and until he was challenged, he could do what he wanted with the Brujah and no one could stop it."

"Cameron has taken no heads since becoming Primogen. He has yelled at a couple of people, saying how stupid they were and telling that next time he would take their heads. But he does not kill us. Even with me he does not press that hard. If Eddie had wanted me in his bed he would have had me, or have beheaded me for insubordination."

"I am glad then that Eddie is dead." "So is everybody else, except his toadies, of course."

Julian nodded. "I figure that. Eddie was Cyrus' golden boy, and the fruit does not fall far from the tree. Cyrus is a vicious killer. He is predatory though and through."

"I heard that you have a feud with Cyrus."

"Let's say that he and I had a...confrontation in the past. He won that game. But he will lose in the end. I do not know how, yet, but I will have him toppled."

Sasha looked around amused.

"Do you talk of revenge in Church? Are you not supposed to let go of hatred?"

"What I feel for Cyrus is righteous indignation. I have seen too many of his victims. I want him to stop using people and hurting them as he does."

"Well, it may surprise you, but Cameron says more or less the same about Cyrus. Do you know what he said about Eddie? That Eddie was a bastard who only cared about Eddie Fiori."

"That is true."

"Good, so there is something that you two agree on."

Julian nodded. It was good to know what was going on the Brujah. He thought with melancholy that Eddie's vicious attack on Sasha had given him eyes and ears among his old clan enemies. And had given Cameron eyes and ears on him. He knew that Sasha would report to Cameron on anything that he said to her. Cameron could extract that obedience from her.

"So you learned about being Kindred from this Ernest Gray."

"Yes, he told me enough so that I was not afraid. He was the one who took me out feeding and showed me how to do it right. I was quite disgusted at first. I did not think I could hold it down. But that passed. And he began to make a game of it. Try to figure out the most outrageous place to feed in."

"I know of the game." He had played it himself, on occasion. All Kindred did. "It is better not to play it often."

"I figure out that I could feed in Church."

"Sasha, please, not here. Try to show some respect."

She looked around. "I saw the priest here. He is young and good looking. Maybe I will give him an erotic dream about me."

"That is a cruel thing to do to a priest."

"Why? It would only be a dream."

"He would have to confess it as a sin."

"For a dream? You are kidding me, are you not?"

"It would be succumbing to the temptation of the flesh."

Sasha shook her head amazed. "For a dream? No one controls what he or she dreams. Dreams come and go, and that is all there is to it."

"If his body...became aroused because of his dream, then he would have committed a sin."

"You are putting me on, are you not?"

"I am not. You should have studied your catechism when you were younger."

"And you ask me to feel respect for people like that? I can understand feeling guilty for things that you do. But for dreams? Who came up with that crazy idea, in the first place?"

"That is what the Church teaches."

"Well, they should get up to date in their teachings. Read some psychology textbooks and learn why we dream, and what they mean."

"Those textbooks might be contrary to Church doctrine. A good Catholic would not be supposed to read them. They would be in the Index."

"The Index? What is that?"

"A list of books that a Catholic cannot read without danger to his soul."

"Did you read any of them?"

"Yes. Archon insisted that I did."

"And is your soul in danger?"

"Let's say that I have my doubts now about the Church's teachings."

"But still you come here and pray."

"I need to."

"You know, this Church seems a big con, a protection racket. Do as we say, or we send you to Hell. What is difference between this and Eddie Fiori saying do as I say or I cut off your head?"

"Archon used to say that, too.."

"I think that I would have liked Archon." "

Yes, you would. He liked what he knew of you. He warned me that I could not keep you caged, that you were too wild for me, for the Ventrue."

"He was right."

"He was right about many things. Even though he taught me how to kill."

"Kill?"

"In the wars. We had to fight, and I took to it. In self- defense at first, and then to carry out Archon's dream. And mine. I lost count of how many I shot. Or burned. Or beheaded. That is why I come here, to pray for forgiveness. Maybe I will get it one day."

"Cameron says that

you are still a killer. Only now you are hypocritical about it. You have them condemned to death by a vote, and it gives you pleasure when you order an execution."

"I enjoy taking predators out. I enjoy the knowledge that they will not hurt anyone else ever again. There are some of us that we cannot be merciful to, or we would be cruel towards their victims. And Cameron...I do not think that he feels merciful towards predators, either. Not the way he votes. He has given me the heads of predatory Brujah when the evidence warrants it, as I give the Council of Primogens the heads of predatory Ventrue when the evidence warrants it. But still, he is right. There should be more than three votes of a five person council to behead anyone. The question is how else to do it."

"The human world has this court system set up. Regular courts and courts of appeal, all the way to the Supreme Court. Maybe we should have something like that ourselves."

Julian nodded. He had been thinking along the same lines. The Kindred did need something like that. Too many Kindred's lives were dependent on the whim of a Primogen, or the Prince of their City. And when the Prince was a sociopath like Cyrus in L.A. Kindred lived in terror and could do nothing, except try to move to another city. The Masquerade regulated their feeding, and protected humans. But who could protect Kindred from each other?

"Sasha, you will tell Cameron of this, won't you? Do not deny it. You are how Cameron and I pass information to each other. Mention the idea of a court to Cameron. If he is the man I think he is, he might be interested enough to come up with some ideas. He might figure out an angle in which I might get hurt, or will take power away from me."

"And you want..."

"I have some ideas, and I know that whatever I want to do I will need his cooperation. The Ventrue just want power for their clan. The Gangrels are low in numbers to count. The Torreadors are...politically unreliable, at least with Lillie as Primogen. The Nosferatu...the Nosferatu will be good for the knowledge and the research, and as mediators, but for the muscle, for serious backing, I have to strike deals with the Brujah. And I know what Cameron wants, more than anything else. If he gives me what I want, I will take the risks."

Sasha shivered uncontrolably at Julian's words. She knew the depts of hatred that Cameron had for Julian, and when she heard Julian talk about striking deals with Cameron she wanted to scream at him that Cameron would have his head that way. But then Julian knew it already.

o

The priest came by closer and both Julian and Sasha bent their heads, as if praying. Julian fingered his rosary, saying another prayer mentally for another priest, long time ago. The priest passed them by. He met with one man who spoke in soft, hurried tones. They saw the priest go to the confessional booth with the man, and Julian felt a stab of pain. Were it not for that booth he would still be practicing Catholic today, even knowing what he knew of the Church.

"If the priest knew what we are, would he throw Holy Water on us to make us vanish?"

"He might. Church doctrine about Kindred has not changed. We are still as deserving of extermination as we were then."

"Never mind who is guilty or innocent."

"All Kindred are guilty by definition. The Church is guilty of a great sin there, declaring that people deserve to die not because of what they do but because of what they are."

"That was what the Nazis said about the Jews."

"Yes."

"And still you come here to pray."

"I pray to God, not the Church."

"Are there no Kindred priests?"

"It is a great cruelty to embrace one."

"It is forbidden?" "It happened once, and it will not happen again." He shuddered, remembering. "We did not know then what it meant. We found out."

oo

"They embraced a priest." Julian told Archon. "He found out more than he should, and the Kindred who had said more than he should did not have the heart to kill him, so he embraced the man."

"He should have had the heart." Archon grumbled. "A priest does not belong with us."

"But you yourself said that we are not damned."

"We are not. That is between us and God. But a priest is a different matter. He represents the Church. And to us the Church has only shown its dark side."

"This does not mean that this priest cannot accept us, what we are, what he is now. And he is still a priest. He can give the sacraments."

Archon said nothing, looking at Julian, knowing what he hungered for, what he had had to do without for decades. It seemed cruel to dash his hopes, explain to him that he could never again practice the religion he was born in. But to let him nurture false hopes, only to see them dashed...

"He may not consider himself a priest anymore."

"According to doctrine the sacraments are still valid. Unless he is defrocked or excommunicated, he can say mass, give absolution, bless, take confession, and give communion, and it will be valid, no matter how ...unworthy he may be."

"Yes, that is true." Archon sighed. "The Jesuits taught you well. It is a shame that your education did not proceed further and you did not learn to question what you were taught."

"Archon, why are you so..so hostile to the idea of religion?"

"The persecutions for one thing. Who do you think organized them, who urged the killings, the torturings, the ferretting out of innocent Kindred?"

"The persecutions came about because of the depredations of predatory Kindred."

"Yes, that was the excuse. But talk to Daedalus. Talk to the Nosferatu and they will tell you a different story. They will tell you who it was that the Church targeted."

"I know that Nosferatu suffered the most, because they were easy to identify."

"And because they offered knowledge, and the Church did not want its flock knowing how to solve their problems. They needed them helpless, and humble. They did not want any relief to their sufferings that did not come from the Church itself. So anybody who offered knowledge was branded as demonic. Have you ever wondered about 'Doktor Faustus?' Sometimes Mephistopheles is depicted as bald and deformed. Just like a Nosferatu. Do you know how the story really went?"

"Mephistopheles offered knowledge in exchange for Faustus' blood?"

"Countless other Nosferatu had made the same honest bargain. Then the Church labelled such knowledge demonic, and said that what the Nosferatu sought was the soul of those with whom they bargained. That was nonsense. What would the Nosferatu do with souls? But their deformed appearance counted against them, and the libel stuck. They were demons out to tempt good Christians into damnation. They had to be driven out by any means. Those were the real targets of the persecutions."

"But there were vicious killers, too."

"Yes. They were. But why would the Church seek to ferret out those who would approach a village and offer them ways to heal and fatten their animals, save their crop, treat their diseases, improve their tools, all in exchange of being allowed to feed on their blood when they needed it? How many villages had been saved from starvation or epidemics thanks to such bargains? There is not way of telling, because the Church destroyed evidence of it. Because when the villagers made such bargains, they gained confidence in themselves, in what they could do, and would not feel helpless, as Church wanted them to feel. They were not humble. They questioned the words of the priest. They wondered why they owed the Church such complete obedience. The Church is a totalitarian instituition, Julian. See it for what it really is. It has no power to save your soul. I doubt that it can save its own, unless it repents of its evil."

"You say that, and yet your best friend is a monk."

"Darius is an Immortal. He only accepts the best of the Church, not the worst."

"I will talk with this priest, anyway." Julian insisted.

Archon sighed. "You can try reasoning with him. But it will break your heart."

o

"So Archon did not believe that the priest would adjust."

"He knew the Church too well for that. I was not prepared for it. I thought that the Church was wrong to condemn us all, but I believed that if I showed how reverent I was, how I strove to lead a good Christian life, in spite of my circumstances, they would see through their error and accept us again."

"You were rather naive."

"Yes, I was. Or rather, I wanted to believe so much that I made myself not see all the evidence to the contrary. I did not recall the Church's bigotry, nor its stubborness, nor its cruelty. I only saw what I had been taught as a child."

Sasha laughed then.

"What is so funny?"

"You said that you sought to lead a good Christian life?"

"Yes."

"But you were Archon's executioner then. Was that really a good Christian life?"

"According to the Church it could be." Julian sighed. "The Church is not against massacres, if the right people get massacred. Inquisitors have been canonized for their zeal in defending the Christian religion. Saint Louis was made a saint for his willingness to burn heretics. And the Crusade against the Albigenses...they did not teach me in Jesuit school about the bishop who told the Crusades to kill anyone they met, guilty or innocent, that God would recognize His own."

"Rather bloodthisty people if you ask me. Maybe the reason they do not want us is because we are too squeamish. We do not like to see blood spilled and wasted. We take only what we need, and keep the rest of it where it belongs, inside the body, where it will do most good. What they do, instead..."

"That was what Archon told me. That the Church did not want us because we were bad people, but because we were too good for them."

"It is a shame about Archon."

"Yes, it is. I miss him every day that passes."

"Cameron killed him, didn't he?" "Yes."

"And you cannot do anything about it?"

"According to Kindred Law it was justified. I have to accept it. It hurts like Hell when I look at where his seat used to be and I see it empty. And it hurts more when I look at Cameron and remember what he did. But he had a right to do what he did. It was justice that he carried out that day. I have to remind myself that I have no right to hate him for it. It is not easy..."

"And this is another sin that you come here to pray for."

"Yes. I have no right to hate him.

He has a right to hate me, and I need to remind myself that I am the one who needs forgiveness, not him."

Sasha nodded, feeling a wave of sadness come over her. She had an inkling then of how much Julian hurt, and she felt ashamed that she had added to his hurt by her taunting.

"So how did the story with that priest go?"

"I went to see him. Try to convince him to accept what he had become, and prepare to minister to a new flock that needed his services desperately."

"But I take that he did not want to do it."

"No. He thought that the was damned already, and so was I, and I could do nothing to change his mind."

o

"God be with you, Father Borden." Julian greeted the priest.

He looked to be in is early forties, still a young man, still open to new ideas.

"I am not a priest. Not anymore. I do not know who you are, but do not come near me. I may hurt you. This...evil inside me wants to destroy you."

"You will not hurt me, Fat

her. And it is not evil that you feel but a natural need. It can be satisfied without harm to anyone."

"You do not understand."

"I do, father. I do. I have the same need as you do."

"You! You devil!"

"I am no devil. Just a man. A man that needs the services of a priest, a man who has been waiting for a priest to hear his confession for too long."

The priest ran to the opposite wall, pressing his back against it, trying to disappear into it.

"Keep away from me."

"I am not damned, father. And neither are you. You are still as deserving of God's love and mercy as you were yesterday."

"I know what you are. I know what kind of creature you made me."

"Father." Julian moved towards the man, then realized that this frightened him more. He went down to his knees and crossed himself.

"Please hear my confession. I have been away from the Church's comforts too long. Shrive me, and if my contrition is genuine give me absolution."

"You lie, devil. You do not belong among the blessed. And neither do I. Not with this foulness within me. Do not mock me with your fake piety. If I were still a real priest, if I could truly bless, my touch would burn you. You would flee from me in terror. And would you tempt me further to commit the sin of feasting on innocent blood?"

"As opposed to guilty blood?" Julian repeated Archon's comment from two days ago.

There was no thing as innocent blood, Archon had said. Nor guilty. Blood was blood. You took it because you needed it, and you let your source walk away. The people who held the blood might be guilty or innocent, but the time to pass judgement on them was not when you were feeding. That was why they had the privacy rule, among other reasons.

"Would it really make it better for you if you fed on guilty blood?"

"Do not tempt me, devil."

"Sooner or later you will have to feed, Father. We can teach you how to do it without harm to anyone. Just take what you need from those who can spare it, and will not miss it. And repay them later in any way you choose. There is little evil in that."

"I will not commit that foulness. You may have forced this evil in me, you may have awakened unholy hungers in me. But I will not give in."

"You will have to. And you should do it soon, because if you wait too long the hunger will madden you, and you will hurt the one you feed on. Then you will have reason to hate yourself."

"I will not join you and your legion of damned souls. Get up from your knees. I will not be misled by your fake piety. The Church teaches me what you are, what all creatures like you are. There is no salvation for such as you."

"And no salvation for you, either if you choose to believe one of the Church's errors." Julian reluctantly got up.

"The Church makes no errors."

"Never Father? Not even when it made Galileo recant? And still, it moves."

"The Church's teachings are clear about...creatures like you. Like me."

"Father, if you were truly damned you would rejoice in your fallen state, not bemoan it. You would look forward to preying nightly on helpless humans, and hurting them. You own disgust is proof that you are not damned."

"As you are not damned, either, lying demon?"

"I am not damned. The evil or good we do as Kindred is our choice. And I choose not to do evil, same as I did when I was human."

"Liar"

o

"He would not believe you." Sasha asked.

"He would not listen. He was afraid, and angry at being made Kindred. He was being maddened by hunger, but refused to feed. He thought that as long as he did not drank the blood he was not truly damned. And the longer he waited, the greater the danger that he would be out of control and commit a terrible act which would convince him irrevocably of his own damnation."

"And you could do nothing. Feed him with your own blood?"

"In order to feed him I would have to come close, and he would not allow that. In order to feed him I would have to hold him down and force the blood down his throat. I walked away and went back to Archon."

"And did he say 'I told you so'?"

"In a polite way."

o

"I warned you. He will not accept being Kindred."

"Talk to him, Archon. Make him understand."

"Could you make him understand?"

"I could not offer him an argument good enough for him."

"Did you cross yourself in front of him? Went down on your knees? Showed proper reverence for his priestly office?"

"I did all this, and he called me a liar, a deceiver."

"And why do you think that I will succeed where you failed?"

"Because you are so much better at arguments."

"I suspect that Father Borden is not to be swayed by arguments. Voltaire himself could argue with him, and would get nowhere."

"But I cannot leave him like that. He needs to feed. He will madden soon if he doesn't. He might even let himself die"

"That might be the best solution. A priest does not belong among the Kindred. It might have been kinder to kill him outright."

"Please, Archon, I never ask you for much. Do this for me. Explain to Father Borden that he is not damned, that none of us are, but that we need him, that we need a priest that we can tell our sins to."

Archon sighed. "It is useless, of course. But you are right. You never ask me for much. And you serve me faithfully. I will try to convncee Father Borden. Just do not be disappointed if I fail. I am only one man, and the Church is a great leaden weight that has crushed his mind long ago."

o

"So it was Archon's turn to change the priest's mind." Sasha said. "I take that he was not more successful."

"No. The priest's mind was made up. His mind had closed itself while he was still in the seminary, and it refused to open again. If only he had been more willing to listen, to consider the possibilities...if only he had tried to known us, and judge us by our deeds, instead of hearsay.."

"If he had more common sense. If he had used his head, instead of letting the Church do his thinking for him."

"There are times when I think that if we had embraced a different priest, a priest with an open mind, a priest willing to listen to our side of the story..."

"Are you tempted to try again?"

"God keep me from that temptation." Julian crossed himself.

"It is a shame, because you make a better Catholic than most of the people the priest sees."

"I was raised at a different time. There was not so much disbelief in those days. And I accepted too many things without questioning. Archon showed me so many things I was not aware of. He was a real father to me, not for embracing me, but for all the things he taught me, all the things I had been blind to in my human life and that he let me see. I was not a bad man when I was still human, but I was thoughless, and prejudiced, and did not question the ways of society when they benefited me. Archon showed me a different world. If only he could have opened the priest's eyes as he opened mine..."

o

"Well, Father, Julian tells me that you are stubborn and refuse to feed."

"Keep away, you devil. You will not tempt me with your foulness."

"Father, I am not a patient man. There are laws about feeding, and one of them is that you do not wait until you are maddened by hunger. Humans must never know that we are around, and that we feed on them. We are fortunate that we have the ability to make them forget their encounters with us, so we feed safely among them. We do not appreciate those who feed thoughlessly attracting attention to themselves and to other Kindred. You will learn how to feed inconspicuously. And you will show your Christian virtue by making sure that you hurt no one as you feed."

"I will not be a foul monster."

"Some people would say that you were a foul monster all your life. Serving a corrupt, evil institution like the Catholic Church. Keeping peasants subject to vicious feudal lords, taking wealth from them and hoarding it in the Vatican. Bishops living like princes in palaces while those around them starved."

"You, you filthy devil."

"Will you deny that priests and bishops invested in the slave trade? Shall I tell you how many bishops had brothels as sources of income? How many times did the Church give the excuse of 'saving the souls of heathens' to countenance conquest, pillage, rapine, wholesale enslavement of native populations? You may not remember the crimes of your Church, but I do. And I know people who remember more."

The priest covered his ears and hollered. "I will not listen to your lies, devil!"

"You will not listen to the truth!" Archon pulled the priests' hands away from his ears. "I am not Julian, you cannot bamboozle me with displays of piety. I am not damned, and neither is he. But you may be, with your narrowness of mind. Does it give you pleasure to condemn someone without learning anything about them? Is self-righteousness such a delight to you? Julian is worth ten of you, easily, and you have him tied up in knots with your lies."

"They are not lies. They are Church doctrine."

"I have no time to discuss theology with you. I am taking you out, and I am going to teach you how to feed. When you have calmed your hunger we will continue our discussion. I am going to make a decent Kindred out of you, or I will kill you trying."

He grabbed the priest by the back of his neck and marched him out.

"I warn you, Father, I am not a patient man, so don't provoke me."

o

"Did the priest feed?"

"Yes. He almost threw up at first, because he did not want to admit to himself how much he wanted it. Then he swallowed it, and his need kicked in. Archon had to hit him before he would let his source go. He had to see how Archon closed the wound, and brought the unconscious man back so that he could walk away from them with no memory of his encounter."

"And did that convince the priest that maybe we are not so evil, after all?"

"No. But at least he was not maddened by hunger. He was just despondent over having given in to a natural need."

o

The priest huddled in a corner, whimpering, trying to get the courage to pray. Julian sat next to him and touched his shoulder. The priest pulled away from him, still whimpering.

"Father, you are not damned by what you did. You did not harm the man. He will not miss what you took. Is that so different from taking tithes from your parishioners? I know that they can be a heavy burden on people of limited means. Is it not better to let them pay in blood instead?"

"I am a foul thing now." the priest said. "I do not deserve God's love any more. I gave in to the temptation."

"You are still the same man, father. You are still a priest. You can still give the sacraments."

"No more, no more. God has turned his face away from me."

"God's love is boundless."

"Not for what you are, not for what you have made of me."

"Father, please. Do not do this to yourself. Remember that despair is a sin."

"The Devil can quote scripture to his own advantage."

"I am no devil, father. I am not demonic in any way. I strive to lead a good Christian life. Why will not judge me for what I do instead of what I am? Why do you still refuse to learn about me, about what you really are?"

"I am unclean. My life is an affront to God. I should end it and remove the foulness from His sight."

"Father!" Julian made the priest turn around and face him. "Do not do that. Suicide is a grave sin. Do not commit it. Do not turn away God's gifts!"

"It is a gift of the Devil, not God."

"Father, please."

The priest whimpered again and turned his face away. Julian looked around with concern. Was there anything in this room that the priest could use to end his life? He probably did not know the ways in which a Kindred could die, but still...

"Father, do not do anything until I come back. I.. I will see what I can do."

"Do you have a cigarette? I would like to smoke"

Julian dug into his pocket for them, then his

hand touched the lighter. He froze. That was how the man planned to kill himself, with fire.

"I have none." he said. "I will go get some."

The priest whimpered again.

Julian called upon the guard at the door. "Watch him, he said. And do not let him have anything he can start a fire with."

The guard nodded, concern on his face. "He should not have been embraced" he said.

o

"He would have killed himself?" Sasha asked.

"Yes. I saw it in his eyes. I knew that I did not have much time. I went to get a sword, because I wanted it to be as painless as it could be. I went down to my knees and prayed for what I was about to do. I told God that I wanted to save the man from the sin of suicide, and to forgive me for it. Then I went back to his room."

"How did he react when he saw the sword? Did he welcome it, or was he afraid when he saw that he was going to get what he asked for?"

"Both. He wanted it. But his body did not want to die and fought with his mind on it."

o

"Will you kill me?"

"I will release you father. We have this much mercy."

The priest nodded. It was what he wanted, he told himself. He would be free of this cursed unnatural existence. He would be back among the blessed. And yet he trembled.

"Turn around, father. You do not want to see the sword swing. Just hold your head high, close your eyes, and put your trust in God."

The priest nodded but did not move. His body refused to budge from its position, huddled in a corner.

"Father, I am going to send you to God. He will be glad to receive you. Please help me do this."

The priest nodded again. "You are kind..." he said. "In spite of...you are kind."

Julian took him by the shoulders and made him rise, very gently.

"Just come to the center of the room. It will be over soon. Try praying. God will not refuse your prayer."

The priest went down on his knees.

"Look at the wall. Keep your head up. Do not worry. God will welcome you. He knows that you did not leave His service willingly but had it forced on you. Find the strenght to pray."

He took the sword and stood behind the priest. He hoped that he man did not turn around.

"Keep looking ahead at the wall, father. There is nothing to fear."

He swung the sword quickly. It sliced cleanly through the neck and the head fell.

Julian crossed himself "Peace be with you, father." he said.

0

"So you cut off his head. The man died a martyr to his faith." Sasha said.

"A martyr to his faith yes. The dark side of his faith. He died upholding the principle that some people are condemned because of what they are, not what they do. He had fed, and felt defiled by it. Not because he had had to hurt another man to get it (and Archon had shown him that there was little harm in it), but because he had taken the blood into his body. He did not think about the victim at all, only his own defilement. Archon had told me stories of priests who not only broke their vows of chastity, which was no more than human frailty, who then committed the sins of hyprocrisy and brutality, by punishing the women for having 'tempted' them. If he had remained Kindred, he would have punished those whose blood he took for the same reason. He did not belong with us at all."

"And you took his head."

"It was a mercy to him. A mercy to his future victims. A mercy to the Kindred."

"But not a mercy to you who had to swing the sword?"

Julian shrugged. "I killed too many people Sasha. One more mercy killing... I wish I could have done a proper death vigil to him, lead him peacefully towards the other shore, have him welcome the angel of death with acceptance and hope..."

"And have him give you absolution? Have him accept you at last?"

"It could not be. And yet I wish it could have happened. I wish he could have opened his heart and his mind and accepted us."

"And so you pray for him?"

"I do pray for him. I pray that at last his eyes are opened, and that he can forgive what we did to him."

Sasha nodded. Poor Julian, she thought. He was the innocent party in that story, and the one to carry the guilt of it.

"I think that he has forgiven you by now."

"How do you know?"

"Because...because no one deserves forgiveness more than you do! Julian, you are a very irritating person, but you are a good man. You are one of the best I have ever known, for all that you are a control freak. And you do not deserve to tie yourself in knots because of one ignorant bigoted priest. You gave him what he wanted. You showed him more kindness that he would have ever shown you."

"I know. But still...still I saw his head fall, and that I cannot forget." he smiled. "It is all right, Sasha. It is something that I learned to live with."

Sasha said nothing this time. She put her hand over Julian's and as he bent his head in prayer, so did she.


End file.
